Time Out

You know being a #savvyservant is all about giving from abundance. But, I have a confession to make. I didn't always understand this. For a long time my giving was so selfish and self-serving, and I didn't even realize it.

See, I use to give of myself unknowingly as a form of control (seriously, I didn't realize that this is what I was doing!!!) expecting that if I sacrificed myself for others they would give back to me in some type of way. I was even satisfied with their scraps just to feel like I was getting back something. Isn't that sad? However, I didn't realize I was misusing the gift of giving to feed an emotional need---because that's exactly what it was.

For so long the things I desired were the sprouts from a warped heart. I desired things out of heartbreak, would obtain/achieve them, but then felt empty. Then, I'd give of myself again, get what I thought I wanted, only to feel depleted and empty, AGAIN.

How many times do I have to hear the teaching about the heart being deceitful? And, using the excuse, God knows my heart.....to justify my negative actions because I could not see beyond what I wanted. It's like a bad addiction to self.

The truth is (and was) that I didn't know who I was. Or, what I wanted. Or, what I needed. Or, what I didn't want or need. I just figured that it was others responsibility to know and give to me my wants and needs.

Then I had a "drop to my knees" experience that pushed me to seek God. Am I the only one who goes through this?????

I had to sit me down and allow God to teach me who Jill is and more importantly the purpose he has for my life. Notice I said, "sit ME down." It really is an act of faith to choose God's correction, direction, and will.

So many of us have a desire to give and fulfill God's purpose, but our hearts are almost blackened. I realize that it's not totally our fault. It's years of emotional scars that have blocked us. Some of us wear our closed hearts as a shield of protection---nothing getting in and nothing coming out. But, I'm a living witness that surrendering to God's total will is freedom.

Freedom to give to people out of pure love without expecting something in return.

But, more importantly........freedom from self.

Effectively serving purpose---that is....being impactful---must come from a place of wholeness. A place that is replenished daily, weekly, and monthly in the mind, body, and spirit.

Sitting down and checking in is ongoing for me. Through these time outs I'm learning what I have to give and how to give wholeheartedly. I can finally pour from a full pitcher, and not from an empty cup.